Ocular Penetration

One of my favorite type of idiots is the guy that realizes he's not gonna get anywhere...and then makes threats towards you or your computer...This guy was on Yahoo Messenger..look him up sometime and send him my love..oh, and to grandmom too!

single_s_j_guy: hey up for some kinky fun, what are you doing?
Marebytes: i am just at home....
Marebytes: doing stuff to my dog, with a fork
single_s_j_guy: lol
Marebytes: that I heated up
single_s_j_guy: ??
Marebytes:: and you?
single_s_j_guy: where in s.jeresy?
Marebytes: marlton
single_s_j_guy: close
single_s_j_guy: im in maple shade
Marebytes:: over here contemplating whether to go out to the pool tonight....
Marebytes: and rape the seals
single_s_j_guy: lol
Marebytes: its been a long day
Marebytes: dont know if i have it in me
single_s_j_guy: ur a trip
Marebytes: your grandpop use to say that
single_s_j_guy: lol
Marebytes: how is he
single_s_j_guy: dead
Marebytes: wow,, i didnt even know he was sick
single_s_j_guy: lol
Marebytes: well, its gotta be easier to do the skull fucking now...
Marebytes:thats one good part of being dead
Marebytes: i sure do miss grandpa
Marebytes: he could skull fuck with the best of em
single_s_j_guy: do u enjoy using ur computer?
Marebytes: of course, as he got older... he got slower at digging up grandma....
Marebytes:single_s_j_guy: i am about to shut ur computer down
Marebytes: that man made me happy to have a glass eye....
Marebytes: no one ever did that before....
Marebytes: nor will again.....
Marebytes: poor grandma
single_s_j_guy: sorry i warned u
Marebytes:: i bet she misses it too
Marebytes:wonder if anyone digs her up
Marebytes: you ever give it a shot?
Marebytes: grandpa always said she had the tightest eye sockets he ever saw
Marebytes: mine just dont come close....
Marebytes: but grandpa and I had fun while it lasted....
Marebytes:: yup..me..grandpa...
Marebytes: and the shovel of course....
Marebytes: hey..it seems my computer is still working fine
Marebytes:: wonder why that is....
Marebytes: i was sure someone was going to shut it down....
Marebytes: hmmmmm...who was that now....
Marebytes: i forget
Marebytes:: oh right.... it was the grandson of skull fuck
Marebytes: here i am
Marebytes: computer still working
Marebytes: just fine…everything hunky dorey
Marebytes: but i must say...
Marebytes: i do appreciate the warning....
Marebytes:: very thoughtful of you...
single_s_j_guy: bitch
Marebytes:: yup
Marebytes: to give me a warning in advance, of NOT shutting down my computer.....
Marebytes:: i will always remember your kindness
Marebytes: and will send your regards....
Marebytes: next time I dig up your grandmom
Marebytes: i think I love you

Kids Just Love to "Sit n' Spin"

or something................. ?
__________________


fan_of_azn: Would you like to sex chat or something?
marebytes: I'd like to violate your grandmom with the pogo stick I saved from my childhood
fan_of_azn: What?
marebytes: or perhaps put her on my sit n spin
marebytes: did u have one?
fan_of_azn: Pogo Stick...No...Sit and spin..Yeah
marebytes: granny?
fan_of_azn: Grandmom....Yes
marebytes: well hey..2 outta 3...you got it made
fan_of_azn : Right...Your in NJ....What do you do?
marebytes: I violate grandmothers with vintage toys
fan_of_azn:NICE...bye
marebytes: which are you opposed to...
marebytes: vintage toys..
marebytes: or grandmothers
fan_of_azn : NOPE...Violating
marebytes: or grandparents on the whole?
marebytes: you're no fun

Cableless Vagina

This is a short, yet historic, transcript of a conversation from the NJ AOL Chat Room... note the cameo appearance by my bud Sjerseyboy aka "Sick Bobby" at the end....

____________________________

I KarJak l: Hey, Mare, where you from
Marebytes: I'm from my mothers vagina
Marebytes: any more questions?
I KarJak l: really?
I KarJak l: still live at home?
Marebytes: No, I moved out of her vagina more than 30 yrs ago
Marebytes: got kinda cramped and crowded
I KarJak l: do you miss home
Marebytes: 'specially when the 9th fleet came in....
Marebytes: Plus there was no cable

I KarJak l: what????????????
Marebytes: thats what sucked most
Marebytes: Cheap ass bitch and her cableless vagina
SJerseyBoy: I remember that fat albert episode where they all stole cable and laughed about it until the government cheese came out their noses
__________________________________________

After this..."Sick Bobby" and I liked the phrase so much we made a chat room on AOL and named it "Cableless Vagina" just to see who would show up... and they did...
The transcript from that room is over the top ! Will Post that soon....

HGTV Crafters Posts ... Me & Sick Bobby

For some reason my old friend 'Sick Bobby' & I got a big kick out of riling up the ladies on the HGTV Crafters Bulletin Boards... something about those crafters...



Cork Rounds for Coasters
JudiNC
12/08 12:53 PM
Saw on Martha the Beaded Coasters (you can see them on MS.com and do search for "beaded coasters") ...can't find the cork rounds she used (even looked on Ikea.com since she mentioned that was were she had gotten hers). Having NO luck finding these...any help would be appreciated. TIA


Reply 12/08 01:31 PM
Subject: RE: Cork Rounds for Coasters
By: MareBytes
I find rolling up the cork rounds and inserting them into my anal cavity and then removing them a few days later gives them a wonderful color tint that just bring my projects to life...

(1 Normal response deleted)....

Reply 12/08 03:05 PM
Subject: RE: Cork Rounds for Coasters
By: JudiNC
thanks, Blondie for your info...I'll try Michaels. And to our enlightened "marebytes of hgtv"...I would suggest you refrain from such answers or put your answer and your "colorful" cork rounds so the sunshine doesn't bother them!


Reply 12/08 03:59 PM
Subject: RE: Cork Rounds for Coasters
By: MareBytes
wow
Judi you are so witty !!!It's hard to imagine someone who lives in a place where they marry their cousins and eat their young had the time to develop such a rapier wit (go ahead, I'll give you a minute to look up rapier)This is a public bulletin board, and if I find joy in having cork rounds in my anal cavity, who are you to judge???


Reply 12/08 04:12 PM
Subject: RE: Cork Rounds for Coasters
By: Sick Bobby
If we can go back to the original question for just a moment, can someone tell me where I can find a cork small enough to fit into the shaft of my penis?
Your help is greatly appreciated.


Reply 12/08 04:16 PM
Subject: RE: Cork Rounds for Coasters
By: MareBytes
im gonna suggest you start off with a small round and run it through the large end of a cheese grater ( the cork, not your penis) and see which cork shaving fits your personal needs best.Good Luck !!!! Let us know how you make out !


Reply 12/08 04:18 PM
Subject: RE: Cork Rounds for Coasters
By: Sick Bobby
While I appreciate the suggestion, my cheese grater got stuck in my dog's ass. How was I to know that a cheese grater couldn't be used to shave the dingleberries off his hairy cheeks!
Anyway, I do appreciate the help, and will try as soon as I get a replacement. That is, a replacement cheese grater...the dog is doing fine. Just a bit bloddied, is all.


Reply 12/08 04:29 PM
Subject: RE: Cork Rounds for Coasters
By: Anonymous
THE RUDE POSTERS HERE HAVE BEEN REPORTED TO THE BOARD MONITOR. YOU BETTER HIGH TAIL IT OUT OF TOWN!
_____________________________

(Yeah, like that worked...we carried this on and off for the last 5 years)

Manic Digression

Once again, testimony that a guy will hang out if he thinks he has any shot. This guy had no idea what I was saying...hell, I don't even know what I was saying... but he hung in there!
-----------------------

Scap1: hi there...feel like talking dirty???
Marebytes:  you old dog
Scap1: young one actually :-)
Marebytes: it's all as Metaphysical as you let it be,,,after your passed the first onslaught of primal needs...it gets easier....
Scap1: huh??
Marebytes: really,,,i use to feel the way you do.... but, afterwhile,,,,it's second nature: as the herds stack up on the walls of post-pardum bliss...we can arrange them in no particular order....to fit our own needs....
Scap1: you're deep
Marebytes: i am
Scap1: i thought so...so i guess your answer is no...??
Marebytes: did I say no?
Scap1: =) then what was all that stuff????
Marebytes: I welcome your unencombered vote,,,as a sign of your own knowledge of self aggrandizement.... as is it
Marebytes: but within the shreds of newspapers....my own predetermination is to strive,,,,,for you see....I am
Scap1: uh-huh
Marebytes: and what of you?
Scap1: did you understand what i asked???
Marebytes: I do, kind sir
Scap1: and can you talk without confusing me?? :-) lol
Marebytes: and am most happy that you have acquainted your self with the legnthiest of all the demands of a daily schedule to reach this epitomy of down-trodden wrath....
Marebytes: by the way, I'm on fire.....
Scap1: what are you wearing?
Marebytes: the wrath of all that comes with just driving on,,,,day today,,,,,wondering which, and to where the next step of the journey take you....
Marebytes: only to be wracked by the impertitudes that hold back the truth,,,,a beast to be reckoned with,,,if not on his own,,,,then with the words of a hundred Lithuanians
Scap1: ok....and you are wearing...........?? =)
Marebytes: hip waders, an inner tube and a viking helmet
Scap1: what does it take to get you wet??? oh poetic one :-)
Marebytes: so,,,then it is up to each of us to ask,,,,to which end do I put the sword....to which end do I pluck from? and when does the bellring,,,and if i answer,,,,,,if only i answer....yes...i must answer.....
Marebytes: even if im in the shower...i must answer.....let me get the towel
Scap1: can you describe yourself??? :-)
Marebytes: yet what is one.....
Scap1: ever meet anybody off this thing for pleasure?? :-)
Marebytes: if one can only go on about the least of there own qualities andspeak nothing of the scouring of each conquest.......
Scap1: well?? :-)
Marebytes: but I am remiss,,,,and have not yet inquired as to the wellness of your monkey
Scap1: lol..i gotta go..i look for you next time i am on
Marebytes: be gone, but the fog admist your words frightens me.....
Scap1: i'm a sweet guy...bye :-)
Marebytes: and yet I am intrigue..... as to your wealth of you knowledge of crab.... a simple and interesting creature and yet.....each of them can be plucked.....
Scap1: OK OK..i'm too tired to talk all sophisticated..but i will write you later
Marebytes: as are we....
Marebytes: and boiled to a red scoulding fury....
Marebytes: a fury that each of us will see.....
Scap1: bye sweetheart :-)
Marebytes: in time....so go on kind sir....
Scap1: bye-bye

Cocksack 3000

(This one actually occured within the last few weeks...)

How truly special is my life if this appears in my Inbox:

Hi my name is mike im 49 single lookin for love

With this pic >>

Yes, I know.. there is much to be said here. But this pic is worth a million words.
I mean, who sends this pic of themselves out to a stranger..wearing... as my buddy @ktoab calls it... a Cocksack 3000. But first & foremost- Dude, PUT YOUR NUTSACK AWAY before you snap a pic.
After I regained my composure.. I shot off this reply:

Hi Mike,
I received your email and photo. I must say I was taken aback by the awesome display of your man parts. Rarely do you find someone so willing to put themselves out there, but you surely did. I am impressed.

Here’s a little about me.
I like pudding. There I have said it. It’s out there. I like to be up front about that.  If that’s a deal breaker for you, I understand.

I have attached my pic. I am the one on the right. Have you ever seen an antelope? What are your ideas on antelope – strudel integrations? Are you open minded about those things? I can’t stand closed minded people, especially where wild game animals and danish/bakery products are involved.

I have a formal function coming up in Nov. I would love it if you could accompany me. I have to also give a friend a ride. He lives in Lancaster. He’s bringing the strudel
I hope to hear from you soon
Love, M

< And I sent this pic I found on Google

I received this short and clueless reply:
Hi sweetheart this is mike, I like your pic very much I sure would love to meet you

Really? You read that email ? antelope and all... and you’re still into it

Ok, how about this:

Hi Mike,
So happy to hear from you again. I looked at your picture again..and was hoping you had more again. We’re out of butter again

I was also hoping you could tell me a bit more about you.
Where do you live? Do you like your neighbors? My neighbor Kelsey was recently diagnosed with Tourette's Sign Language.

I have 3 meals a day – or I try to, but not if the mower won’t start. Where would you like to meet? There is a nice gas station close by. They have a soda fountain or a slot machine, I can’t tell which. Do you play cribbage?

Suspenders!

I must say I am a bit disappointed that you glossed over my questions regarding antelope – and pastry. I must know your feelings on these subjects before we move ahead. Canada Dry makes me break out.
Well , that’s all. Well that, and if a squirrel runs into the woods, don’t chase it. Jewelry can be replaced. It’s not worth it.
Your little muzzle blaster, M

I think that may have done the trick…but I couldn’t help firing off one more quick email:

Mike,
Have you abandoned me?  I am heartbroken
I found a stick

I haven't heard back from him. I can't imagine why.

Follow the Gourd....

TKopp12345: hi, are you into phone sex??
Marebytes: no phone sex, till i find a phone thats fits properly
TKopp12345: well how about trying your toys this time with me
Marebytes:: my toys?
Marebytes:: i have no toys
TKopp12345: are you a m/f?
Marebytes:: yup
TKopp12345: lol
TKopp12345: so you ever try it
Marebytes:: once
Marebytes:: but not your conventional toys
TKopp12345: how was it
Marebytes:: i used an egg beater and a Pumpkin gourd
TKopp12345: oh man you are ruff
Marebytes:: it was ok, at first, got a bit messy
Marebytes:: Gourds arent as sturdy as they look

MOO !

Moo... Moo I say... Moo....

Capn Morga:  Hello what turns you on?
Marebytes: i like cattle
Capn Morga: oh really tell me more
Marebytes: i live near this farm
Capn Morga: yes and??
Marebytes: they have steer
Marebytes: big big steer
Capn Morga: tell me more hun
Marebytes: i like to cut thru the field at night
Capn Morga: mmm yes and??
Marebytes: and violate them....with a potato peeler
Capn Morga: mmmmmmm 
Capn Morga: would luv to come and do it with you
Marebytes: once,,around the holidays..
Capn Morga: yes....
Marebytes: i shoved a small plastic santa up a cows ass !
Capn Morga: I live in Nj too 
Capn Morga: would you let me come and do it with you?
Marebytes: you like cows?
Capn Morga: does it make you very wet doing that to the cows?
Marebytes: wet,,yes,,sometimes
Marebytes: especially if i do it in the rain
Capn Morga: mmmm how would you like to be taken while you violate the cows
Marebytes: taken? no,,they tried to take me away once, but I ran faster
Marebytes: guess they caught on to the idea someone was doing their cattle
Capn Morga: ever use a strap on with them?
Marebytes: Are you kidding?
Marebytes: That's how I lost my favorite double ender.

Recipe for Disaster =

Jelly + Saran Wrap + Crayons + 9 Volt Battery

(especially if you don't have a urethra)
____________________________________


This guy was one of my all time favorites... dumb as a brick.... but willing


QuEtY45328: hey there, want to cyber w\ a 22 M
Marebytes: do you like kinky stuff???

Marebytes: are you into rubber and adhesives??

QuEtY45328:yess
Marebytes: what kinda rubber tricks have you done??
QuEtY45328: none really ..but luv sexxx
QuEtY45328: you ?
Marebytes: wait,,i thought you said you were into it?
QuEtY45328: well I am but never tryed
Marebytes: you're an amateur aren’t you???
QuEtY45328: well iam hardd
Marebytes: what did you have in minde??
QuEtY45328: tell me a trick i do it
Marebytes: seems as though you find spelling hard also
Marebytes: ok,, have any jelly in the house?
QuEtY45328: yes
Marebytes: what about saran wrap?
QuEtY45328: saran wrap??
Marebytes: yes,,plastic wrap..
QuEtY45328: yes
Marebytes: ok,,what about a 9 volt battery??
QuEtY45328: yes
Marebytes: crayons???
QuEtY45328: yes
QuEtY45328: iam hardd
Marebytes: ok,,, you get the jelly,,the crayons, the plastic wrap..and the battery,,and i'll tell ya what you need to do...
Marebytes: and you'll need matches or a lighter too...
QuEtY45328: what about my C***
Marebytes: im getting to that,,,,
QuEtY45328: ok holdd (long pause)
Marebytes: got it all????
QuEtY45328: yes

Marebytes: ya sure????
QuEtY45328: yes
Marebytes: how many crayons???
QuEtY45328: 3
Marebytes: ok,,,first thing ya wanna do,,it dip you penis in the jelly jar,,,
Marebytes: get a light coating,,,hope it's grape....
QuEtY45328: should i stroke it 1st
Marebytes: No. it'll be cold at first,,,but it'll warm up...
Marebytes: nope,,just coat it..
QuEtY45328: ok i am typing w\ one hand
Marebytes: done that?????
QuEtY45328: yes it feels good
Marebytes: ok,,now wrap the saran wrap around your penis...
QuEtY45328: ok doing it..wait....now what
Marebytes: like 1 or 2 wraps,,not too thick...
Marebytes: be careful of that little metal teeth cutter on the edge of the box,,that thing can only spell trouble
QuEtY45328: ok
QuEtY45328: done
Marebytes: ok,,,did you get the matches???
QuEtY45328: lighter
Marebytes: ok,,,good,,,,
Marebytes: now,,,hold one of the crayons over top of your plactic covered penis,,, and take the lighter to it...
QuEtY45328: it going to melt
Marebytes: letting the molten wax drip onto the plastic...
Marebytes: EXACTLY !!!!!!
QuEtY45328: ok
QuEtY45328: it hot
Marebytes: thats ok,,the plastic wrap will protect you....
Marebytes: as will the jelly...
QuEtY45328: ok
QuEtY45328: it feels good
QuEtY45328: when will i stroke it
Marebytes: you have to melt alot of wax to get the full effect...
Marebytes: you want to cover as much area as possible with the wax...
QuEtY45328: thats one crayon
QuEtY45328: that enough now
Marebytes: you did a whole crayon already???
QuEtY45328: half of it Marebytes: you want at least 2
QuEtY45328: ok now what
Marebytes: you want to kinda make a mold around yourself... (long pause)
Marebytes: melt more!!!
QuEtY45328: ok...hold on
Marebytes: more ! more ! more !
QuEtY45328: ok hold
Marebytes: the more wax the better...
Marebytes: tell me.... what color crayon is it...
QuEtY45328: green
Marebytes: mmmmmm green is nice...
Marebytes: thats so hot !
QuEtY45328: iam hott
QuEtY45328: now
Marebytes: what other colors do you have
QuEtY45328: what
QuEtY45328: red
Marebytes: and what else...?
QuEtY45328: blue
Marebytes: ahhhh,,, a primary man,,, very nice...
QuEtY45328: now what
Marebytes: after you get the hang of this,,you'll want to move on the fluorescents..
Marebytes: ok,,,now,,for the battery,,,got the 9 volt handy>???
QuEtY45328: yes
Marebytes: did you leave a small opening in the end of the plastic wrap??
QuEtY45328: on my cock .. yes so i can cum
Marebytes: you wanna try to shove the prongs of the 9 volt, into the end of your urethra.....

QuEtY45328: urethra ?
QuEtY45328: im a M
QuEtY45328: male
Marebytes: yeah,,so,,you have a pee hole dont you???

Marebytes: when you pee,,,where does it come out???
QuEtY45328: oh, yes
QuEtY45328: the hole-my dick
QuEtY45328: all the way in ??
Marebytes: no,,just the connector end...
QuEtY45328: ok
Marebytes: til you feel a slight charge,,,
QuEtY45328: ohhh
Marebytes: the jelly should act as a conductor...
Marebytes: if not,,,add more jelly...
Marebytes: add more til you feel the charge
QuEtY45328: ok
QuEtY45328: now
Marebytes: when you get more experienced,,you may want to add a 2nd battery to the mix...
Marebytes: one for your urethra,,and the other for your ass...
Marebytes: i once took a car battery in the ass...
Marebytes: talk about your charges...
QuEtY45328: ohhh
Marebytes: how is it????
QuEtY45328: good
Marebytes: i bet....
Marebytes: god, that was so good for me...
Marebytes: how about you???
QuEtY45328: are you going to cyber w\ me
Marebytes: i just did !!!
Marebytes: damn.... !!!
QuEtY45328: make me cumm
Marebytes: if jelly , saran wrap and a 9 volt battery didn’t do it for you,, I’m afraid I’ve lost my touch dear..

A formal explanation .. of this shit

I have spent a good portion of my career in front of a computer.
Back in the beginning.. back 'in the day' AOL was the porthole to the Internet.
It really was the vagina through which all of this other bullshit was born.
As part of your account with AOL you had a profile which basically said your sex, age, location, status, maybe a favorite quote or hobby.  That was about it. No pics. Just basic info. People could search AOL for other people by location, age, marital status.. simple things. No photos. If someone wanted to see you, you'd have to actually get a photo scanned, and email it to them.

Oh and AOL had chat rooms.. people would go in to rooms of interest -- or geographical area and just talk shit. In the very beginning, you actually paid for AOL by the minutes you used - if you can imagine that.

But I digress.. (what else is new)
People would search for other people in their area and click on their profiles.. read enough to know they were at least of the right sex.. send them an Instant Message (IMs)-- and of course, try to engage them in sexual talk -- yes, the birth of cyber sex. If they were lucky, you'd have a pic to send (not as common back then) - or sometimes they would start by sending you a picture to get your interest.

Being online most of the day, I would get IMs popping up all day long. Mostly I ignored them. Sometimes. I'd be bored..waiting for files to load..or in a mood. And then I would take some time from my busy schedule (ha) to screw with some idiots day.

I never ceased to be amazed at what some idiots would put up with, if they thought they had any shot what-so-ever. So I started saving the conversations to files.. and sharing them with some of my friends...and they got passed around alot.

Some of these will also be conversations with multiple people (some online friends- some strangers) from AOL Chat Rooms and a few HGTV Message Board mishaps.  Yes, HGTV Quilters from all over the world still love me. HGTV decided to disable the photo feature from the Quilt Billboard, because I preferred to post photos from Adult Toy store websites, rather than quilts. I felt they were useful. They didn't. Who are they to judge?

At any rate.. that should give you the picture of the mess you are walking into.

Enjoy,

Mare